Posted by: Jess | December 29, 2011

Slide into another Nightmare………

Breath in………. fear.

Breath out ……… hopelessness.

I want to wander the streets of London looking for the lost (like me.)
Find me here and now. Or if your lucky there and the past. You’ll never come back the same.
THe silence of my past echos in the heartbeats of my ears. Matching the thud thud thud of my shoes on the pavement pavement pavement . I hear me running but I can’t see myself in the mirror.
The HATE repeats through the tissue walls of my brain.

Wait asks me to stay,………. but for how long can I repeat repeat repeat the nightmare.

Posted by: Jess | September 11, 2011

Fantasy / Reality


The other night I had a dream that I was a mermaid. This was unusually because I am not a girly girl and don’t usually have Disney like dreams. I have more Lord of the Rings or Doctor Who like dreams. The other surprising thing about this dream was how vivid the colors in it were.

It started out that I was a mermaid in a group of other mermaids (about 6) and an older mermaid who was the matron of our group. The matron, lets call her Madam, was in charge of teaching us young mermaids and keeping us safe. She kept reminding us of how endangered we were with such intensity and I thought it was just her over protectiveness for us. One of the things she would over emphasis was cleaning your tails and the correct way to dispose of our scales. This I found so mundane and repetitive that I usually didn’t do that great of a job of throwing away my scales and got many punishments for it. I couldn’t understand why this was so important. The scales on my tail were so brilliantly colored with iridescent blues and greens and would shimmer even in poor light. The color within the scales would last even after the scales were detached from my tail and I would leave them around my alcove in pretty little patterns. The school in which we all lived was a series of tunnels and crevices and instead of doors there were blankets of sea weed and kelp to separate one area from another. Most dens had natural sun light and the others were lit by glowing lava like rocks or luminous sea creatures.

One day I was fed up with not getting any clear answer as to why we couldn’t keep our old scales. So I asked a friend of mine who was older than me. *I can’t remember her name but her hair and tail were a wonderful color of red, yellow and orange (ginger mermaid).* Lets call her Ginger. I told Ginger that I thought it was stupid for us not to keep our used scales and that I didn’t see any harm in keeping them. I ranted and raved untill she finally decided to tell me or rather show me why we couldn’t keep them. She told me to bring one of my scales and to follow her in a hushed tone.

We snuck out of her alcove and through many tunnels until we were in a very narrow but deep channel. The walls of the channel were lined with a dull dark green slimy grass like vegetation. I noticed that the lighting and color of things in this channel were almost a smoggy dim color. Even the water in which we swam wasn’t clear like the water back at the school. We then started to swim toward the surface were I could see the roots of trees and long weeds trailing in the small current of the stream we were in. We reached the surface and I could see sad-looking willows and thorn bushes and choke weeds everywhere. I couldn’t believe the contrast to the dazzling vivid colors I had grown accustomed to at the school. Just as I was starting to become frightened of this eerie place Ginger turned toward me and whispered to put my scale on a mated grassy area. I looked at her puzzled about what this could possible accomplish, but I did what she said. I reached up over the muddy edge and placed my scale onto the grass. Almost immediately I saw the thin sickly grass grow into a bright lush patch of grass and then a small pink flower arises out of the middle blooming into a magnificent radiant pink evening primrose. I couldn’t believe what had happen before my eyes! Because of my one scale this once dead tangled piece of land was now plush and vibrant. I reached up and retrieved my blue scale. The soft bright green grass moved effortlessly out-of-the-way then springing back into place still green even without the aid of the scale.
“Now you understand why we have to stay hidden and how precious our scales are,” Ginger said.
I looked at her confused and replied, “Not really.”
“If people knew what our scales are capable of doing we would be hunted down and kept in tanks. Never to swim in open water and harvested for scales and who knows what else!” she shrieked failing to keep her voice down.
“OK,” I said, “I get it. We can go now.”
She dived under the surface when I noticed a small flat bridge going across the river. I continued to stare at its dusty wood boards and the small foot path on either side of it. When Ginger realized that I wasn’t following her back down into the channel she returned to face me with worry in her eyes.
“What are you doing?”
“What’s that?” I asked pointing at the small bridge. She turned to see what I was referring to then sharply turned back to me.
“That’s nothing.” She said with her eyes wider than before.
I raised one eyebrow and said, “That most certainly in not nothing.”
I swam a little closer to it to see if I could see where the path was coming from or leading to. This sent Ginger into a tizzy and she started to wave her hands back and forth.
“It’s a human path. We are not safe here! We must leave!” exclaimed Ginger with more and more terror with each syllable.

Just as I was about to each out and touch the wooden planks Ginger and I both froze to the sound of the soft thudding sound of boots coming closer and closer to the bridge. In a flurry, that had very little splash, Ginger was gone swimming to the shadowy depths of the channel. Curiosity overcame my fear and I ducked under the bridge to see if I could gather just a glimpse of these horrible humans. I could hear a group of foot beats coming steadily toward the bridge.
“Is it much farther then ye Captain?” I could hear a rumbling scruffy voice say.
“I ‘ope so. Me back can’t take much more ov this.” Came a squeally voice in reply.
“Now good gentle men. The ship is just down in the harbor. Anxiously waiting our arrival of goods in hand. It won’t be long now.” rang out a deep strong voice.
“Aye Captain.” groaned both the men.

A first set of boots came across the bridge and louder slower set followed after it. I peered out of the shadow of the bridge to see two dirty men, one short and barrel chested and the other taller and thinner than the other one, slowly struggling to carry a huge dark green truck. They continued to carry the truck after the path to the left and down a steep set of stairs groaning and swearing with each step. Then I saw the most hansom men I ever laid my eyes on. Surly the Captain of the three men. He stood there with is face to the wind wearing a dark blue naval suit and high collared shirt. His light orange slightly curly hair catching the last of the days sunlight. His face was clean-shaved but for a long patch running parallel with his ear. I stared in wonder at this distinguished man. How could we possible not live within the same world as these humans. He must have felt my presence and he looked back at the bridge. I panicked and dove under the surface creating a small splash. Could he have seen me? I only had my eyes above the water. My heart pounding in my chest I could now hear the soft thudding of his boots coming closer to the water’s edge. I swam deeper into the channel for fear he would see me. His face then peered standing over the river’s edge. I watched his eyes to see if he could see me in the murky depths, but his eyes darted from side to side without recognition of me. He was just about to leave when his eye caught sight of something down along the river’s edge. I watched as he walked to the newly grown patch of grass with the pink rose in the middle. He bent down admiring its beauty up close. His hand then went to grab the base of the flowers stem when he stopped and hesitated. I couldn’t tell what his saw beside the flower then he reached through the tall grass and pulled out my blue scale. I saw him examining it in his hands and gasped sending a small ripple to the surface. His head sharply turned toward the water and his eyes narrowed to see what had caused the ripple. Just as I was trying to figure out if I should swim to the surface and face this gorgeous man or turn tail and swim as fast as I could back to school and pray that Ginger didn’t tell Madam of our adventure I heard a muffled yell from somewhere over by the bridge. Without taking his eyes off of the river the Captain placed my blue scale inside his coat pocket and yelled a response toward the bridge. He stayed crouched staring into the water for what felt like hours then he stood smoothed his coat with his hands and steadily walked back to the path and down the stairs toward the harbor. I watched him untill his head disappeared behind the rock ledge.

As soon as I reached the safety of the school tunnels I was met with a trembling Ginger.
“I thought for sure that you had been snatched up by those awful looking men!” Said Ginger in a hushed but fearful tone.
“Did you tell Madam?!”
“Of course not! ” she exclaimed pressing her face closer to mine, “I’m not an idiot. Madam would have us spend a night with the eels if she ever found out where we were.”
The thought of the eels made my pulse jump. This was second worse punishment that Madam would give us. The first being to be banned and exiled from the school. The eels had a vicious mean-spirited nature and while they wouldn’t kill a mermaid they would certainly tortured one until it wished for death.
“Well she won’t find out. So be glad that we’re back.” I said hoping she wouldn’t notice that I hadn’t come back with my scale. This seemed to calm her a bit and she went to her alcove to rest. I then went to my alcove to ponder why we had been taught to fear humans. I tossed and turned in my sea bed all night thinking of the handsome Captain and whether I would ever see him again.
In the morning I decided that I would ask Madam why humans where as evil as thought them to be. I arrived very early to class and waited for Madam. She cam into the room with a small net full of interesting looking things. She stopped at soon as she saw me then set the net on a ledge.
“Well your here early. To what do I owe the pleasure of this early visit?”
“I wanted to ask you a few things?” I asked in a small timid voice.
“Yes about what?”
“About… um humans.”
There was a long pause then she laughed and said, “Why on earth would you want to know more about those two-legged barbarians?”
“Are they as evil as we think them to be? I mean it’s been so long since any mermaid has seen a human. Maybe things have changed in the time..”
“Changed?!” she said cutting me off before I could ask more. “You think those blood thirsty animals could change? They care only for themselves and do as they want with no regard for others. No compassion. No mercy. They are simply born without these emotions and they will never change.”
I knew then that Madam would never see the humans as more than wild beasts. “Oh.. I had no idea.” I replied.
“Well you are still young and have much to learn.” she said turning her attention to her net and started setting up for the days lessons.
I went back to my assigned seat and continued the days plans without any more talk of humans. After the lessons had finished I went back to my alcove. How could Madam be so angry toward the humans? Had she ever seen one? She would not think this way if she had seen what I had seen in that small river. I could not stop thinking of the Captain and seeing him peer into the water almost searching for me. I had to see him again. Maybe even talk to him. To see if he was truly evil like Madam had said.
I swam out of my alcove and headed for the dark channel but taking a differing route so I wouldn’t run into Ginger and have her try to stop me. I took the tunnel that leads passed the deep-sea volcanos and vents were Madam takes our scales to burn. I knew no one would be down in tunnel because almost all the mermaids are afraid of the deep rumbling sound coming from the vents. I carefully moved around the vents not burning my tail and scales. As I swam out of the hot water my tail knocked a bolder lose sending it crashing to floor below. I turned quickly to see if anyone had heard the crash and come to see what it was. Seeing that the tunnel was still empty I looked to see where the bolder had fallen from and were the bolder was. I saw a large hole and inside were bags and bags all different colored scales. Why had these scales not been burned? And why were they hidden? Having no time to inspect the bags thoroughly before sunset I replaced the bolder and swam toward the channel. I reached the murky water right before the last of the sunlight had faded. I slowly approached the surface and just let my eyes go above water. I first saw the brilliant color of the pink rose still as luminous as I had first seen it bloom then looked to see if the Captain had returned. I looked over to the bridge to see him standing over the water with his back to me. I almost shrieked with joy at the sight of him. I dove into the water to swim closer toward the bridge without creating ripples. I resurfaced just inches away from boards of the bridge. I looked up at the back of the captains boots and as he turned I ducked under the bridge before he saw me. This time leaving ripples in my haste. I swam to the other side of the bridge and resurfaced over the ledge to see the Captain hunched down peering into the water. I realised that the Captain had returned, but without spears, nets and a large tank to take me away in. Madam was wrong about humans and she was the one who had secrets of her own. Then I remembered how throughout all the long years she had taught us her appearance hadn’t changed. She had always been older than us but she hadn’t aged like older mermaids would. Somehow the bags of scales I had found and this new fact of her age were connected.
I put all my fear aside and lifted myself out of the water using the railing of the bridge. At the sound of the water dripping from me the Captain turned and we were almost eye to eye with each other. He stared in wonder at me and I looked at him with admiration. neither one of us spook as he inched his way closer to me. See that I wasn’t about to sprint back into the channel he moved even closer to me. I reached out my hand to the side of his face. His skin felt warm under my hand. When he didn’t pull away we both joined lips in a kiss that was almost electric.

And then I woke up…..

Posted by: Jess | July 13, 2011

Whispering Intuition

The only real valuable thing is intuition.
-Albert Einstein

The creative is the place where no one else has ever been.
You have to leave the city of your comfort
and go into the wilderness of your intuition.
What you’ll discover will be wonderful.
What you’ll discover is yourself.
-Alan Alda

Posted by: Jess | May 21, 2011

Living on the edge of mount doom!

The past couple of days the weather has been quite gloomy. Thick dark rain clouds hang around the mountain range like a grey mythical cat waiting to crawl from its perch and descend on its prey. Then towards the later afternoon the storm clouds stretch from the mountains over the town and it’s dwellers bring with it rain, thunder and lightning. Any kind of moisture in this high desert mountainous land is a blessing right? Well due to the weather and cold temperatures my dreams have been rather dark and enjoyable.

Take last night’s dream as an example. I was on a trip with this guy (Most likely my boyfriend in the dream. I don’t know him in reality.) and we had flown to a town for a huge party-like event. I was getting ready in the hotel bathroom when a mutual friend came over to talk before going to the party. I was too busy with the massive job of trying to make my hair look presentable so my boyfriend and our friend were talking out in the bedroom area. By the time I had finished with my toil they had finished their conversation so our friend headed back to her room to change her earings or shoes or something. As she was leaving I noticed the new expensive trampish dress she was wearing. Something she got at a trendy French boutique I bet, I thought to myself. We were about to leave the room and head down to the elevator when my man notices that our friend had left her clutch purse on the bed. He offered to take it back to her at her room and then went left down the hall as I went right toward the elevator. I then stopped and turned around to watch him walk down the hall. I knew right then and there that he would leave me for her. disappointed in my new realization I entered the elevator alone. The party was a huge banquet with a gourmet buffet. I stayed and visited a while and then wondered back to my room. On my from the elevator to my door I heard a women crying out “NO! NO! STOP!”. I found the door from where the screaming was coming from and kicked it off its hinges. Inside I found a man trying to rape the women that was screaming. I felt myself churning with anger and lunged at the man. Pinning him to the floor I found a glass ashtray and started beating it against the man’s head while screaming, “NO MEANS NO!!” Once he had stop struggling and thrashing about I left him on the floor whimpering and bloody. I then turned my attentions to the shaken women. I helped her gather her things and get dressed and accompanied her to the lobby where she got in a taxi headed for the airport.

The other dream was not much better. I was in a huge mall and when ever I got in a line for something, whether it was a ride or a smoothy there would be a group of guys in front of me. Once they noticed me they would start calling me names and teasing me. Usually I would ignore them or walk away, but once as I was leaving I said something under my breath and one of the baboons heard me. Takeing it as a challenge he then decided to have the jackass clan follow me around tormenting me every where I went. I started to run in fear of what else they would do. I found myself in the parking lot alone with only one rust colored hatch-back. I went over to find a little old woman sitting inside. As the sun was setting and the temperature growing colder I asked the woman if I could sit with her inside and try to figure out what to do. We sat there in silence with only the sight of my breath fogging up the glass when suddenly I giant wolf appeared and was trying to get to the old woman sitting across from me. Panicky I tried to push the wolf’s muzzle back of the side window. Then I woke up.

So I can’t explain why my dreams have turned into a clash of frustration, fear, doubt, anxiousness, sadness, and loneliness. My only suspicion is the dark ominous weather is affecting me more profoundly than I realize. I only hope the wather will improve and with it my state of mind.

Posted by: Jess | December 18, 2010

Wish fulfilling happiness?

Last night I had a dream that I was dating a famous actor/comedian. We lived in a relatively small house in a quite classic neighborhood. We laughed and were very comfortable together. In my dream book (yes I have a dream book, don’t judge) it says that dreaming about being with celebrities is all wish-fulfillment. This makes total sense, because I have the worst head cold that I’ve had in years and when that happens I dream vividly. What was the most memorable about this dream was that I was happy in the dream. I couldn’t understand this. Have I been so unhappy with my life that the only thing to make me realize it was a wish-fulfilling dream? Am I wishing for happiness? This all become clean when I was lying in bed watching “You’ve Got Mail” when Meg Ryan’s character is at home sick and Tom Hanks’s character comes by to making her tea and bringing her flowers. At this point Meg is sick and her defense is down and starting to see Tom for the lovely e-mail buddy that he truly is.
So maybe being bedridden and truly miserable is showing me how unhappy my life has been over the past few months. And damn it I’m going to do something about it!

Posted by: Jess | September 1, 2010

Flying with Elephants

I had a very vivid dream last night. The first one I have had in weeks and to my pleasure it was a flying dream. I have always loved flying dream (really who doesn’t) even since I was a little girl.
What made this one different was that I knew I was dreaming; which is even more rare than my flying dreams. I remember that in the dream(although I knew I was dreaming) everything around me was so lucidly real. Oh and the colors! The colors were so luminous that it makes all the other colors in everyday life seem dreary; almost watered down, like a painting that was left in the rain.
I was standing in my front yard when I realized I could fly. I could push-off the ground with great speed but then I would slow down like the feeling of being in water. I then tried swimming motions with my arms hoping I would gain the height. As I was trying to fly as high as my neighbor’s tree I was thinking how funny I might look if anyone should see me sleeping in my bed doing what looked like a frog swimming style. I smiled as I thought about this when I saw a small dark blue balloon. I reached out and grabbed it and saw that it was the back leg to a large balloon animal in the shape of an elephant. I also saw that it was looking back at me waiting for me to hold on as it towed me higher in to the evening sky. I held on with no hesitation unlike anytime I make balloon animals in waking life. The fear of having one pop in my hands with its high pitch squeak and the tension in its rubber skin makes me wince. In my dream, however, the rubber material was softer with less tension but without losing its full shape; and it was made of many different colors. We traveled higher and higher into sky soaring among the warm colored clouds. Soon the clouds began to build and build like boiling water. Soon the clouds were no longer puffy and warm colored but almost black and heavy with lighting and thunder. Frightened I hear a women’s voice telling me to hide in the elephants middle. I pried the barrel like balloon ribs of the elephant apart and crawled inside. Safe inside its yellow being I could hear the storm raging outside its rubber body. The storm had subsided and I exited the elephant. We had come to a typical truck stop and was flying under the roof and past the gas pumps. Soon it was night-time and I was being lowered into a grassy lawn of someones home. As I stepped off of the elephant I saw a man emerge out of the white house. I can’t remember what the man looked like besides tall and medium build but somehow I knew he was for me and I was for him. Some time later we were traveling but some new buildings made of glass. They were 200 stories high and they were mostly glass; shining like crystals. My man was inside a convenience store while I was admiring the sheer magnitude of the new buildings when I heard the same voice that I heard while riding the balloon elephant. I told me to hide inside the concrete office close by and fast. By this time my man had returned from the store when I grabbed his hand lead us to the office. As we ran I told my man that we needed to take shelter and quick. We both banged on the heavy and screamed for the construction men to let us inside. Hearing how frantic we sounded they let us in. Once in I motioned that the door should be closed immediately behind us. As soon as the concrete door had looked into place the ground shook and then came the sound of an enormously powerful wind that hit the office. After a moment of stunned silence the office tv switched over to a breaking news story; showing live footage of the once new buildings and little convenience store, now just hollow metal framework. Still standing by the door and judging by the news pictures we decided to exit the building. We saw the small store empty and debris all over the ground. Then we saw the buildings. Most were still standing, but all were hollowed out like swiss cheese. Seeing all this destruction all around us knowing that only a few minutes ago it was busy with normality left us feeling bizarre and out-of-place. My man and I then embraced each other feeling humble and lucky to be alive.

Then I woke up.

Posted by: Jess | July 26, 2010

End of the World

The other night I had this very vivid dream. I was on my front porch and it started to rain, but it was unlike any rain I have seen before. It was like a steady stream of water from high in the sky right to a three-foot area in my drive way. The sky was clear except for a few clouds and these weird rain thingy. I stood there in awe just looking at this amazing thing in front of me. It wasn’t straight down either it came down at an angle like a long slide reaching hundreds of feet high. As fast as it started it was gone. I then saw my family return from where ever they were. That’s when I saw this beautiful new garden in my yard. It was filled with wild flowers, round river stones, and this old tree stump that looked this something out of a story book. My family acted liked it wasn’t any thing new or incredible beautiful. That’s when the dark plump thunder clouds rolled over the mountains. Seeing this my family and I headed inside. My sister insisted she stay a bit longer and look for something she lost in the yard. I then agreed to watch her while she looked. Then I saw this huge swirl start in the clouds. I called my sister to get in the house and she obeyed, but for some reason I stayed on the front porch mesmerized by this mega force unfolding before me. The swirl gathered in size and speed forming into a huge tube then finally touching the ground creating a large dust ring as it destroyed everything in its path. And then I woke up not so much frightened (I used to be terrified of tornadoes) but more awestruck.

Posted by: Jess | July 19, 2010

You wanna piece of me?

So last night I had this dream that my sister and I went to an aqua marina. We got there late so most of the shows were already over. disappointed, cranky, and frustrated we headed toward the entrance. As we were walking I noticed one last dolphin show going on. We stopped on the side to watch when a large security lady walking behind us nudged me forward to stop my sister and I from watching the show. I put up a small argument that we hadn’t seen any shows all day and just wanted to see one, but before I could finish she pushed me again. At this point I was almost at my snapping moment. Snap, Crackle, and Pop!

I realized when I awoke that a lot of my dreams lately have had a lot of other people trying to pick fights with me. Which is very frustrating. Maybe it’s because I’m sick and my dreams tend to be a little more bizarre. Maybe I’m just waiting for people to push me a little too far for me to snap. Who knows? I don’t.

Posted by: Jess | July 18, 2010

What’s with the Yak?!

Last night I had one of the craziest dreams I’ve ever had. It started out that I discovered my step brother was breastfeeding from my mother. This won’t be so incredible weird if my step brother wasn’t 14 in this dream. It was very disturbing to say the least. I then went to go to our front porch. I fond that my mother had redesigned the front porch so that you had to crawl through it to reach the stairs. I was uber frustrated to see this and told my mother so. She couldn’t care less what my opinion was. Soon friends of my family’s came over and as I watch them come down the street I noticed in the other block a buffalo wandered a cross the street and into some one’s yard. It seemed like the most natural thing in the world. I decided to take no notice of it and greet my friends anyway. But then I noticed my friends Frank wasn’t him at all and they were missing their little girl. They were getting out of the car when I saw a BIG yellow yak in my neighbour’s yard. It wasn’t doing anything but it seemed to be staring at me. I looked away for a second and then the yak was in my yard. It stood there staring at me and then it charged me. I was standing on the stairs and tried to climb more to move out of the path of the on coming yak. It jumped in a frantic motion to get me and it would have but missed me by inches.
I have no idea what it meant. Very strange indeed.

Posted by: Jess | June 16, 2010

Ships?

Last night I dreamt I was on a grand ship on a journey. I encountered a huge storm, drunk slutty passengers, a black and red sword fish, electric ells, the call of haunting whales during a full moon and then finally the end of your journey. I was so captured by it I decided to look up the meaning of boats in my dream book. I was surprised to even find that boats have any symbolic meaning in dreams but then I read on. “…boats can represent riches, travel, isolation, danger, romance or complete and utter frustration. Different types of boats may vary in meaning.”
How does this help me? My dream could mean anyone of these things. Why do I even have a dream book if it’s only going to give me vague interpretations. “Complete and utter frustration”? Well know I am.

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